I'm still in love

Little over due...

I suppose I should write about my christmas then...

Lets start off with Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve: I was working today, from 9 till 3, it was pretty fun actually. We got given loads of free stuff from the other shops in the market including lots of chocolate and a WHOLe cake from the cake shop... which was pretty epic... gotta love cake... we were then supplied with 2 bottles of champagne from James and John (my bosses) which got drunk in about... hmm.. 10 minutes! Josie and Molly were both working which was fun because I miss having them around now they're off at Uni learning things and being clever. At the end of the day we were handed our big bags of free chocolatey goodies and our christmas presents and off we popped home... Well... me and little Rosie went to sainsburies... and guess what... my wallet got stolen... with my christmas bonus in it... yep. £80 gone. Plus my ID and cards and everything. Not good times.
Anyway, off home and got everything ready for christmas day, including finishing off my wrapping etc. Luke came over about 6 and we decided to open one present each... well... i pursuaded him that we should. So he produces this little black and gold box... I open it... it's only an effing IPOD! A lovely brand new PURPLe ipod nano, with video camera and radio and all that shiz. I then give him his early present... it's shoes... I feel a little like an anti climax!! Ah well, they're Fred Perry and he loves them... anyway, Luke scoots off home and I settle down in bed ready for....

Christmas Day: Wake up at about half 9 and get ready to go visit my aunties and nana. Leave about half 11, late as per usual! We eat nibbles and drink bubbly and open some presents.

So far i have:

the ipod, a pair of GORGEOUS Leather boots from my Nana, some topshop and cult clothing vouchers from various aunties, a lovely Urban Decay lipgloss, some chocolate, som gloves, socks and a fluffy soft toy bunny rabbit hiding inside one of the boots "It just called out to me" says Nana. Yeah nan... course it did ;)

Anyway, about 1 we drive home, mum's making the lunch and all. We stick in the spuds and decide to go up to the pub for a bit. The land lady gives us some beer for me because all we had at home was wine, plus some lemonade because i don't like wine on it's own. We get home about 3, the food is almost done so we slob about for a bit. Lunch is at 4... a little late but SO yummy it doesn't matter!!

After lunch we open the rest of our presents,

A SuperDry leather jacket, cd, dvds, SPACE HOPPER, chocolate, the Stephenie Meyer book that ISNT Twilight, perfume plus much more i can't remember now from luke.
A new military style coat from my mum and dad, plus more dvd's, chocolate, some BedHead stuff and various other small things,
Some well cool false eyelashes from my cousin, a new monologue book from my auntie, vouchers from my sister, Luke's mum and Grandparents um... I can't remember anything else...

Then rang Luke to say thankyou for said items, then sat down with a whole tin of Roses to watch Doctor Who. I LOVE DAVID TENNANT. More telly watching, started uploading things onto my Ipod after downloading new Itunes which took an AGE then off to Lukes to spend the night before going to see his family on...

Boxing Day: Today consisted of Me, Luke, Luke's parents, Chaz and Robyn (brother and sister) Jo (Chaz's GF) Joel (Luke's cousin) Jan and Oliver (Auntie and Uncle) and His Grandparents.
We ate ALOT of food, drank alot and played lots of Uno and Wii fit and Wii sport and Mario Kart. Watching older people playing the hula hoop game on wii fit is actually hilarious. I love Luke's family. Even if they do call me Ginge.
Then went back to Luke's, and to bed! We were so knackered.

And that was my christmas!

Sorry for the ramble!

So cool and yet so far away...

Wakey!Wakey!

Amazing. Beautiful music.

One small thing

A man stopped me in the street today and told me I was beautiful, smiled and carried on walking.


What do I make of that?

Grief is a funny thing.

No two people will ever grieve the same way.

But I still feel like i'm not doing it right.

How sad is sad enough? How many tears should you cry? Is it ok to be happy about other things? Or should the grief be the only thing on your mind? Should it be ok to not want to say goodbye? To only remember the good things?

Is it ok to not want to see the person you love being carried off in a box.

How do you grieve?

Someone tell me.



Granny I miss you.

Wakey Wakey...

I hope I see you soon

Cause you’re fond of me and I am fond of you

These days I guess that’s all it takes

That and just a few mistakes

and I have made mistakes

Yes I have made mistakes today…

So tonight I’ll be your Brooklyn

So cool and yet so far away

Just tell me what you want for me to say

And if it brings you home…

I guess it’s safe to say

We both could use this fire escape

Cause I’ve been breathin’ ashes in

And I’ve been waiting for somethin’ to carry you away

Cause i have made mistakes today…

So I hope you travel safe

I hope you’re cool, I hope you find your way

It’s sad, but it is safe to say

We disagree on one too many things

And I have made mistakes today…

The Geek In The Pink <3

The geek in the pink SD polo that is... I <3 Him.


Cyrano all this week has been hell. I'm actually really rather ill. I can't taste, head, breathe or speak. It's not much fun. So doing a play in masks with full lights AND the radiators in the theatre on last night wasn' the funnest thing ever. I felt like I was going to pass out.

Ah well, only one more show to do, oh and my log book... then it's all over and I can actually concentrate on stuff which is important like auditions. EEP. I'm scared. I mean terrified. I have 8 weeks till my first one. And I'm not prepared at all. I should be learning and perfecting a monologue a week. I am no where NEAR that organised. I never was any good at prioritising...

I don't know if I want to grow up yet...

I'm not ready to go it alone.

I also don't want to go back to that place we were in at the start of september. That was a bad place. It needs to stay in the past. Because I cannot deal with that again.

Let me in. I'm on your side.

I really want this cold to bugger off now. I want to be able to sing again. I want to be happy again. Being ill makes me grumpy. And I don't like being grumpy.

Right, I better go do my log book I guess...

.

Considering it's been 10 days since my last blog I figured I should write something.

It's been a pretty long 10 days. We've been rehearsing non stop for Cyrano. I actually think the show is going to be adequate... instead of shockingly bad. So that's a plus I suppose. We got to go on the set for the first time this week which was really good and it's an amazing set! Well done to all the techies because they've done a fabulous job.

On wednesday I went to london with college for an "Alternative Careers Fair" which is basically a way of discovering careers in performing arts which don't involve performing... it was pretty pointless... I did get to talk to a crazy woman who does scenic painting. She was pretty cool. A proper london accent and crazy red hair. She kept going on about her favourite paint brush!

But yeah... apart from that... pretty pointless.

Today I had work. It was long. And tiring. And just... long. I need an early night. I'm convinced I've got an annurism or something because I keep getting headaches in really specific parts of my head. It's a little scary. So yeah, work wasn't too fun today. Especially because once again I didn't get a break, once again. That's got to be illegal.

Work again tomorrow, so X Factor then bed I think. Oh and talking to Luke for a bit. I've been a shit girlfriend recently.

Scratch that. I'm a shit girlfriend in general.

We're Only Human...

Thank the lord for music and singing. If it wasn't for Jason Mraz and Dallas Green I would be a very angry person.

I've been angry alot recently. Angry and frustrated and lost and sad. But singing has really been a good release for me. I've also been home alone alot recently, what with havign no life and my family being social butterflies. So I've been cranking up the music and singing my little heart out. It's helping. A bit.

Sing For The Moment...

Just got in from my second day of work. I don't usually work on sundays, but as it's getting near to chrustmas now we're open from 10 till 4. We didn't really make alot of money today, as hardly anyone realised we were actually open... but I managed to create a whole window display and put out a load of stock that was taking up space in the back room so that was good. It was a better day than yesterday. Yesterday was non stop. I mean it. Non stop. I worked from 9 till 5 with no break and no food and no chance to sit down. Every cup of tea I made went cold before it could be drunk.

Today was nice, me and Posie had nice chats and I got a lift to and from work so no nasty crowded busses for me :)

And now I'm sat here warming my toes on the radiator before I go and have a shower and tidy my room ready for Luke coming round. Once again I don't think we'l be pubbing tonight :(
I don't really mind because I'm knackered and we have alot of chocolate and X factor to catch up on!

I'm excited to see Him and without having stage light glare in my eyes!

Oh look, I'm little Red Riding Hood! x

ZOE

THIS IS ACTUALLY FROM YESTERDAY





I'm sorry I broke my promise, here is my long blog...

I just got on the computer and logged into Spotify as I do whenever I come online. As always, when I listen to music I shuffle it. I find life is more interesting when you don't know what's coming next, and the same goes for my music. I also find that music can influence my mood, so I like to be surprised.

Currently listening to: Lazlo Bane - Superman (the theme from scrubs)

I'm finding this song to be ironically appropriate to my current situation. I'm feeling so vulnerably human at the moment. I pride myself on being able to deal with situations, but recently, I've just been breaking down. There is too much going on in my life and my head and it's really getting to me. I'm no superman.

Currently listening to: Jersey Boys - December 1963

This week at college we've had our first show of the year. "Kings Of Broadway". I started off not being at all enthusiastic about it to be honest. I mean, it's more about the ND1's as it's their first show, plus, it wont actually change my musical theatre or singing marks... so it was a lot of effort for nothing... but then, when we actually got into show week, and we got our costumes on and everything, I got really excited about it. It was also the first show that Luke would be coming to see me in that he's not in... I’ll be frank, that made me really nervous. I still feel like I've got these massive shoes to fill. So many people to impress... I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

Currently listening to: Girls Aloud - Biology

Speaking of Luke, he's been brilliant recently, and I've really been being rather mean to him. I'm snapping at everyone, and mostly him. Taking my frustrations out on the person who's always there for me. I'm worried I'm pushing him away... I love him so much. He surprised me last night by coming to see the show for a second night, because he heard I’d had a bad day. I think that was one of the nicest sweetest things anyone's ever done for me. I promise from now on I will try my best not treat him so badly.

Currently listening to: Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode

My bad day... well... basically. I went into college for about half an hour. I came in, burst into tears and ran out of the room. I don't even know why I was so emotional. Everything just got on top of me and dance REALLY wasn't my top priority at the time. I also felt guilty for the fact that dance wasn't my top priority. I felt guilty for letting my group down. Basically college just didn't improve my mood.

Currently listening to: The Lion King Soundtrack - Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

Today at college was also pretty pointless, I went in at 11 to clear up E73 after the show last night... only to find it's already been done... and then found out that my acting audition slot with Judy wasn't till 4oclock... I wasn't a happy bunny, however I managed to sort it out and showed her my monologue at half 11.

Currently listening to: McFly - One For The Radio

I should have been working today, tbh, I really need the money, Christmas is going to be an expensive one this year... but ah well. I'm working Sundays now so that's an extra £30 a week... I'm excited about Christmas this year. I'm excited about being with Luke on Christmas Eve. I'm excited about giving him all his presents; I'm excited about not being in Wales. I'm excited about working this Christmas. I'm just generally excited.

Currently listening to: Jason Mraz - Geek In The Pink

Anyhow, I'm gunna go now, my hands are so cold it hurts to type, plus I need to go work on my monologue. I hope this blog was good enough for you Zoe!!



...p.s.

I'm not ok.

I promise

when I get back from the show tonight I will write a long blog.

God knows I've got enough to write about... x

Who's The Crooks In This Crime?

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do...

I really fucked it up this time didn't I my dear??

Damn you facebook horoscope. WHY are you always so accurate...



On a plus note, I am alone in my hosue so am singing Walking In Memphis as loud as I can...



Sorry i ramble so much...

Little Lion Man...

Helllllooooo fellow Bloggerians!

Sorry it's been so long, I've been doing... well not much to be honest. Alot of procrastinating. Alot of moaning. Alot of doing nothing.

I've got a show next week, my first college show of the year. I can't believe it's been 2 months already. Time really does fly when you're at college. The show's called Kings Of Broadway and it's basically just a shit load of songs from musicals. It's going to be good :)

Although I fear I shall never get "Into the woods to Grandmothers house" out of my head...

Then in about 4 weeks we've got our Christmas Show, Cyrano De Bergerac. We saw our set and costume mock ups today, it's going to be visually amazing, shame about the actual play being a big ol' pile of shite. AH WELL

what else has been going on in my life... *ponders*

Well apart from dance assessment, UCAS, applications, open days, college deadlines, line learning, personal statements, references, song learning, costume making, blocking, ALOT of cycling, working, the occasional party and a serious lack of sleep... not much to be honest!


Shall blog more soon, probably about my new found love for Mumford and Sons...

I LOVE THEM!

<3

Well,

make your choice. Me or him...

Ha.

like you'd ever choose me.

What can I say?

Thank God for Ben and Jerry's, and the Ultimate Work Playlist on Spotify.

I've found a monologue. It's something I can identify with alot.

"Then I lov'd him
Extremely lov'd him, infinitely lov'd him...
In my heart was Palamon, and there,
Lord, what a coil he keeps. To hear him
Sing in an evening, what a heaven it is!
And yet his songs are sad ones..."

The Two Noble Kinsmen - William Shakespeare

I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get I Just Haven't Met You Yet...

Oh Young Cardinals, Nesting In The Trees...

As far as I was aware a blog could be whatever the blogger wanted it to be. Freedom of speech and all that? It's not for anyone else's benefit but the blogger's. If people decide to read it all the better, but for me, It's always been nothing more than a place to go to vent and ramble and just let some of the pressure from my head drain. I'm not here to preach. I have little wisdom or juicy gossip to share.

If people don't like that, or think it's boring, or egotistical that i just tend to ramble about my day, and post the odd song I've written, to be honest, they shouldn't have bothered wasting their time reading it.

I do this for me.

Some day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me...

You can't mistake our biology...

happy anniversary to John and Abi and Rory and Emma :)

The heart never lies...

I'm so glad there's no such thing as time machines

Coz I never ever ever want to go back where i've been.

I'm so sick and tired of reliving my history

and hating all these out of date versions of me.

My future seems to be looking bleak.

My mirror shows me things that I don't want to see.

Too young. Too broke. And so naive.

I'm the girl with the impossible dream.

No prospects. No drive. No reason to believe.

The nightmare returns and it's stuck on repeat.

Time machine. Time machine. Time machine.

Just let me live. Just let me be.

"All those feelings, those yesterday's feelings

Will all be lost in time, but today I'm wasting away, coz today is on my mind..."


I'm pretty messed up at the moment. In my head. I'm doing my very best to seem casual and normal and calm. But I can't hold it forever. I'm not ok. I'm upset, I'm terrified, I'm tired. I'm stuck in a spiral of negative nostalgia, reliving all the bits of my past I don't want to think about. And it's affecting everything.

It's affecting my confidence at college "Don't sing Hattie, You can't sing so you shouldn't bother trying"

It's affecting my friendships. I'm saying things without realising how stupid i'm being.

It's affecting my relationship. "Are you ok?" "Are you ok?" "Are you ok?" "What?... what are you laughing at?" "What??"

And the big one. "Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry..."

I'm in need of constant re-assurance and it's horrible. I feel like a fake and a failure and an annoyance and I feel weak and stupid and just generally a shit friend, girlfriend, person in general.

I want to feel confident, and safe, and self assured.

I want another mind. Mine's broken.

And no one believes me.

This house is a circus...

Sorry it's been a while, I've been pretty busy, what with college and UCAS and life in general. To be honest I should be doing something UCAS-ish right now... but I can't be bothered. Facebook and blogger are much more interesting. Plus, I really fancy a cheese toastie, so that is my next port of call.
I'm rambling.

Luke, Me, Abi and John are going to the cinema tomorrow :) It's going to be lovely times. I do love my Abikins. She's brilliant :) It'l be nice to relax for an evening.

Sorry for another short one, but I really can't think of anything else to write today...

... mmmm toastie... x

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You...

Another short one I'm afraid,


I Love You, I Love You, I Love You.
I don't think I could be any happier right now.

Unless you were here in my arms.

I Love You, I Love You, I Love You.
and there is nothing more to say.. x

My 100th post.

Happy 1st of October.

Sorry this isn't very interesting, i'm tired and too happy to speak...

<3 Spoon

Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid...

There's a phone on the pillow where your head should be
and baby you know this distance thing is killing me.
I even miss the sound of when you click your aching knees.
All I know is "you and I" is how it's meant to be...

Not Fair.

There are no words to describe how incredibly frustrated I am right now. Seriously.

Everything is annoying me
or upsetting me
or pissing me off
I'm angry
and I want to punch something.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER DAY ON MY OWN.

Just when I thought everything was ok

I remembered you.


I will not let you ruin any more of my life than you already have.
You don't even know me.

Wrapped around in useless states of mind...

Come on, take a step towards me
So you can figure me out
I've been hoping and praying for a single way
To show you what I'm all about
And I know, and I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowds
But when this is over and done with and we walk away
There should be no doubts

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now.

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong.

Come on love run with me
Get the hell out of this town
So we can get a better feel for each other
I'll take you, back to, when you
Remembered how you used to
Just live your life a little for me
Take the time to let it go
Step away and watch me grow.


So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try
You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try

To keep you close to me...

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong.




I've done everything within my will power to do what I believe is the right thing to do.

Now come back to me.

Because Sorrow Is Just All The Rage...

Don't let the people make you think that just because you're young you're useless...

I suppose I should write a proper blog. It's been a while, and to be honest at the moment I have nothing better to do. Luke's asleep upstairs I think. I suppose I should be up there too but I'm just really not tired. Bless him he's so tired all the time I just want to cheer him up and make him all lively and bouncy and smiley again. But I've not been very good at that at the moment. I just seem to be getting in the way and being annoying and causing conflict. For once I'd just like things to be easy. Hopefully it'll all sort its self out... that's how you know it's worth it right? When you can come out the other side and still feel 100% completely in love.

That's how I feel... 100% jump in front of a gun in love with him.

I've found myself not really talking as much in my blogs as I probably should do. the blog is supposed to be an expression of feelings and emotions and day to day happenings, like a diary, but then you remember that people are reading it... sometimes I find myself holding back. But from now on I promise to actually write proper blogs. If anyone is actually reading them.

Went to college today. Re enrolment day. Spent another £95 on "material fees" PAH. It was nice to see people again though and see the first years and just be back. Made me feel like I have a purpose again. I've been drifting this summer. No direction. No energy to move forward. But from now on I'm going to be doing and trying and succeeding hopefully! I need to get my arse in gear.

After college we went to the pub and it was nice for a while, but as all my days seem to recently it went down hill and I ended up in my stupid bad place again. I just get low for no reason. It's really not right. Got a bit drunk. Middle of the day. I'm cool... :(

It was nice to see people that I'm probably not going to see for a long time like Cundy and Phil. Should be going out on Thursday with them which is hopefully going to be fun :)

I just need a good cry I think. A cry and a hug and some ice cream and a slap in the face and to be told to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time.

I know I make a lot of empty promises. But hopefully this one will be here to stay.

I'm not going to be a door mat anymore. I'm not going to be walked over. And if it's not my fault, I'm NOT taking the blame. I'm going to be strong.

Anyhoo, I should probably go to bed. It's nearly 10 past 10!! Shocker I'm going to bed before midnight. I can imagine Zoe shaking her head in shame at me for being so weak and having more than 4 hours sleep ;)

Night x

I was dumb, I was wrong I let you down

But I know how I feel about you now...

I need to sort my life out and stop being such a dick. I really really do.

oh shit

off the wagon again...

Let it be...

Just to warn you, you might not understand any of this. As it's pretty personal. I just needed to let it out...



So basically, recently I've had quite alot on my mind, and that kind of all came to a head this evening with me bursting into tears at the dinner table over a coffee grinder. My granny's coffee grinder. It smells like her house.
My Granny is pretty ill. Well, she's not ill. She's just given up on wanting to live. She was the sort of woman who lived every second to the max, never quit, never wasted a second or a penny or a mouthful of food. And I don't think I'm going to be able to cope when she's gone. I've got a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's going to be soon. And I don't know what to do.

I miss her house.
Her grand, old, huge, beautiful house. With the stone floors and the AGA and the clock tower and the fire place and the hand made chess board my dad made when he was in school.
I miss her food, well, I miss being at the age where it's still ok to be picky about food and not want to eat something because it's got beetroot in it. I miss toast at breakfast from bread she made herself.
I miss not being allowed to watch TV at her house. I read so many good books next to her fire.
I miss her.
I want her back. I want her to talk. To listen. To be here for me when I need her.
She barely speaks. She's had a few strokes so we have no idea if she even knows who we are anymore.
She looks so small.
So small.

I want my childhood back. I want to be able to remember and talk about it without my dad crying because his mother is in an old peoples home because she can barely walk, eat, communicate.

I want this pain to go away.

I don't want my last memory of her to be in a box.

I can't deal with death.
I just can't.

What a beautiful mess this is...

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again.
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless.
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses.

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives.
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are...

Although you were biased I love your advice.
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities...
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades.
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt.
Cause here, here we are...

We're still here.
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together.

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.












Jason Mraz writes what's in my heart.

Sending to outer space to find another race

In the next couple of days I will write a big blog telling you aaaaaaaaaall about my week
but for now I am too tired and have only one thing to say.

On saturday the 29th of August 2009

I saw Dave Grohl in the flesh. ACTUAL Dave Grohl from ACTUAL Foo Fighters. In ACTUAL real life.

My life is complete.

This I Swear By The Stars

I know I shouldn't...



But I miss My Javert... x

Madness Fills My Heart And Soul As If The Great Divide Could Swallow Me Whole... Oh, How I'm Breaking Down...

Sorry for yet another blog about how much I Love Dallas Green. I can't help it. It's like he's writing whats in my head... and then putting it to the most beautiful melodies with such a distinctive and amazing voice. I wish I could write like that.

Anyway, what can I talk about today then? ... *ponders*

Oh yeah, READING FESTIVAL. Wooooooo. Hooooooo.

This week has been pretty good to be honest. Spent almost every minute of it with a certain amazing person with a certain rather good new hair cut... :)

He's being overly nice to me at the moment... I'm becoming suspicious he's done something wrong haha ;)

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day of manic cake making/hair dying/painting/wrapping/general birthday preperations

Will be nice to spend the weekend with Big Spoon and Fanny. Two of my favourite people... oh and Arctic Monkeys :D

We decided just to write after all...

Work in progress

"And the words wont come
once again I'm struck dumb
because I just can't hurt you
and I'm caught in the tide
of your beautiful blues...
So it's time to choose
Boy
It's time to choose
To run and hide
or to stay here and lose."

Atleast I know I'll never sleep at night...

I don't really have much to say at the moment. I'm too full up with emotions to write a decent blog. About 80% or which are happy emotions...

But I've got a lot to think about.

And a lot of what I have to think about is very confusing and upsetting.
That's why I've been quiet these past few days.


I don't know how to tell you this without upsetting you or angering you...
What do I do?

I hate being a messenger.

And all I want is to be with you.

I Love You

"So i sit and I cry
Because I'm not qualifed..."

I'm done.

I'm reliving my past.


I thought this was my future.


I don't want to live like this again


But it's just SO easy...

"Love, Love of mine...

Won't you lay by my side?
Rest your weary eyes
Before we're out of time...
Give me one last kiss
For soon, such distance will stretch
between our lips..."


I had a dream last night where you didn't exist.


Sometimes it's easier to lie to the people you love isn't it?

You're asked a question,

and you know the answer they want to hear... and being a girl, it's never what you're really thinking, so it's so much easier just to tell them what they want to hear, rather than to say what's really on your mind. So much easier to hear "oh ok then" instead of "Why?" and "What have I done wrong?" And "You have no reason to think like this"
Sometimes it's easier just to bend the truth...

Even if it does leave your real feelings punching the inside of your lips trying to break loose and wreak their havoc upon the world.

So No. I'm not ok.
I'm practically tearing my own hair out.
But what's the point in saying anything?

"I'm still going to do it if I want to. I'm sorry that's just the way am"

That's the answer I always get.

Broken Record. Broken Record. Broken Record.

But then again, I'll probably always feel this way...

I'm actually really happy with my life at the moment.

My biggest problems are currently the small mountain errupting on my forehead and which dress I should wear out tomorrow night, and which dress I should wear on Saturday. Definately does NOT suck to be me right now.

Oh and one small thing... I Love Dallas Green. I'm going to marry him... then have Luke as my bit on the side ;) Or the other way round... havn't decided yet... <3

Anyway, sorry for lack of bloggage recently, I've been far too busy having fun with good people in good places... Except the Ladygrove pub. Boo hiss boo. I don't like you anymore.

Anyway, today I didn't really do much... apart from make a key lime pie. It's kind of a cross between a lemon meringue pie and a lime cheese cake and a banoffee pie. It should be yummy tomorrow. And tomorrow I'm making enough Rocky Road to feed 50 people, plus cheese cake and possibly some brownies and cupcakes. Why you ask, does someone need to do that much baking? Basically, tomorrow night My mum is celebrating the fact she's finished her degree with a massive shin dig down the pub with a live band and food and drinks galore. Should be massively fun times. Then on Saturday... we're having another massive shin dig at our house for the people who couldn't make it to the first shindig on friday. Lots of shindigging will be done this weekend.

I cannot wait.

Though I am a little nervous as me and Luke are performing a few songs on saturday in "the music tent" My dad's idea. I.e. turning our field into a mini festival. I'm still not used to the whole, singing in public thing, which I suppose I probably should do, considering my chosen career path. But it should be fun. And it'll be nice to sing with Luke, because we've never performed together before...

:) I'm so happy

May this feeling never end.

I'm also quite excited about going back to college. Maybe a few things could be sorted out when we're all forced back into the hamster cage we know as the theatre where there's no place to run and only each other for company.
And obviously I'm excited about being an ND2 and doing some proper work...

So all in all I'm about 90% happy at the moment. Which is really rather good for me.


Oh and believe it or not, I'm happy for you. You're a good match.

So I drew a new face and I laughed... x

Last night proves I fail at pool and must resort to cheating by putting my balls in the holes when Luke isnt looking.

...The beers didn't really help much either...

hahahaha :)

My Sanity

Is Spoon shaped.


... and a little bit Bear shaped. And Snail shaped. And tea shaped.

Retribution is a bitch

God's seriously testing me at the moment. Sending me bait to rise to. But I won't rise.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Facebook can suck my cock.

I think I'm on another world with you..

Yesterday was, for want of a better word, FANTASTIC.

London.
London Eye = WELL HIGH AND SCARY AND AMAZING
London Aquarium = SHARKS AND STING RAYS AND JELLY FISH AND TURTLESSSS
Avenue Q = WOW for the second time

It was an amazing day with amazing company. I can't think of a better way to celebrate a 4 month anniversary/early 21st birthday present.

:D

I've got a few spare minutes as Luke is being an antisocial gay and jizzing all over my dad's guitar books, so have a blog...

Having SUCH a good week. Well, my good week started on Sunday to be honest, when some of the coolest people in the world came to mine for the evening for more fake barbeque and bonfire funtimes. It was so lovely to see people. I would have liked a few other people to be there, but for various reasons that couldn't happen.. :( But thankyou to Alex, Luke, Tom, Emma, Abi, April and John for coming round to chill with me. I love you all.

So... what else do I have to talk about...? Well, Luke has practically moved in this week. Arriving on Sunday and leaving on Thursday. He's come to keep me company whilst my parents are away... oh yeah... and to go see AVENUE Q tomorrow!!!!
Oh and go on the London Eye...
and go to the SeaLife Centre...

I give the best birthday presents EVER!

Anyway, I'm off to go finish of a sketch I'm currently working on...

:) x

:)

:)

The dreamer is the real you...

I don't know why I bother writing this anymore. No one reads it. At least I assume they don't. And I'm really not very interesting or extraordinary or readable.

Rory's was fantastic. I got to spend time with some of my favourite people in an amazing house with a gorgeous puppy and the sunshine... oh and about 3 litres of cider and black!

In Bruge is amazing. I got to watch it with my favourite person in the world... and with Ben and Jerrie's. That made me happy.

I'm bored with certain aspects of my life at the moment. I'm always discontented. I hate routine.



Surprise me someone? Whisk me away...

I'm wilting.




I love you btw. My favourite little Curly Fry... x

Lovely Bones, I never wanna let you go...

Well, to be honest i haven't got allot to write about because nothing has really happened for me to write about. I've been pretty much alone the past few days what with everyone being at Truck... or just generally having lives. I'm bored and I'm lonely and I'm unfulfilled. Ah well. Life goes on.

I've started drawing again.
I've started writing again.

Nothing i'm proud of.

I don't even know why I decided tgo write this blog.
Sorry for wasting your time. I'm going to go to sleep before I bore anyone else to death.

This is new.

I wrote this the other night. I didn't know if I was going to put it on here, but I've decided I quite like it. So here it is.


I've a qualification in self-deprivation
And I know how to stay unseen
Because invisible's a privilege
and honesty's a crime
when you're trying to survive seventeen

And that's what you get for being easily impressed
A life full of wishing and a heart full of regret
And that's what you get for being easily misled
Hold your own, and walk alone, or you're gunna end up dead.

Growing up in a world of Kings and Queens
Of drama, lust and jealousy.
Sometimes you see, it aint easy being me.
I'm the Queen of Hearts, and I'm new on this scene

And that's what you get for being easily upset
A life full of plasters and a heart full of regret
And that's what you get for falling in to bed
Hold your own, walk alone or you're gunna end up dead.

I've got a qualification in self-deprecation
But you know that I've plenty of style.
Because confidence is a gift,
and wall flowers die
You can't say that I'm not versatile...

Growing up in a world of Kings and Queens,
Of drama, lust and jealousy.
Sometimes you see, it's just so easy being me.
I'm the Queen of Hearts and I rule this scene.

And that's what you get when you achieve success,
A life full of lovers and lungs full of cigarettes.
And that's what you get for winning in the end
Hold your own, and walk alone or you're gunna end up dead.

Scattered poloroids and sprinkled words

What a weekend!! It's been the most fun i've had in a pretty long time.

Left work early on saturday and got the train to Didcot. It was SO much simpler than getting a bus that would have taken an hour. It took 12 minutes! I am definately going to get trains more often.

Anyway, got to didcot and met Luke, before heading back to his house to get ready for his mums birthday party. I was so nervous about meeting the rest of the family who I don't know, like aunties and uncles and stuff, but it turned out to be a pretty brilliant night. It was really good getting to know everyone and I'm like... officially a part of the family now. I was also introduced to a coctail called a Green Frog by Jo. They're pretty yummy. They taste like dolly mix.

Sunday was pretty fun aswell. Luke, Robyn and I watched the first 4 Harry Potter films one after the other over the space of about 9 hours whilst vegging out and stuffing ourselves with party left overs, cold potatoes and lots and lots of salad cream. We were thinking about going to the pub, but we were obviously FAR too busy being cool.

Then today. That kind of ruined it. I had to get up for work at 7 and then had a pretty massively crap day. Stupid post office lady. Grr.

Now I am chillaxing watching friends and waiting for my dinner.

You're hung over and I'm broke.

I've got a file in My Documents called "works in progress"

They're just little things I've started writing and never really made anything of. I save them in a vain hope that one day I'll suddenly be inspired and finish them off and give them life. About a month ago just such an occasion occurred and I think I wrote possibly one of the most personal and emotional and genuinly good things I've ever written. There's no point trying to explain it, if you read it you wouldn't understand half the meaning in it. Unless you're the person it's about. Even that person didn't pick up on half of it.

I think I'm going to dig up that Word file and read through the stray lines and phrases I've got stored. See if I can create something worth being proud of.

I'm in a mood to write. I'm feeling fearless, and loved, and secure, and happy and untouchable. And most of all, I'm a great believer in sticks and stones.

Words can never hurt me.
Because I know the science of words. And the ways people structure their words to hurt, degrade, weaken, anger and ultimately break.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me...

And I'm feeling good.

Once again, I must ask too much of you.

GO SEE HARRY POTTER. It's amaze.

It's been a good week.
And nothing's going to spoil that

Because i'm happy.
so HA.

We live on front porches and swing life away

If love is a labour I'll slave till the end...

Not had the best week to be perfectly honest with you.
I've been lonely.
And angry.
And cold. In a literal sense. My house is fucking freezing at the moment.

I've cried far too much this week. It's not good for me.

Today at work was probably on of the most boring and tiring days of my life. I didn't have time for a lunch break because we were that fucking busy, what with Ben being off work with ACTUAL swine flu and Josie being in London.
So me, Nicky and Posie soldiered on for the day with too many customers and not enough time to sit down.

Ah well. I'm going to watch the Harry Potter behind the scenes thing in half an hour then go do some painting. Maybe that'l cheer me up...

thankyou for the coffee, a simple conversation

thanks for the light shining in your eyes.

If you havn't already seen Ice Age Three in 3D go see it. It's amazing. IT COMES OUT OF THE SCREEN O_o!

Abi, Emma, Rory and I went to town today. We sat in a cafe for 2 hours and ate paninis and drank tea and chatted about life and love and conflict and tennis. It was nice :) Then we went to see Ice Age Three... ate a little too much icecream and pepsi and popcorn and got VERY hyper... and wouldn't shut up... and made everyone else in the cinema a little annoyed.

I am going to name my children Eggbert, Shelly and Yoko.

Me and Abi invented a new dance especially for when you're excited in a cinema. It's pretty awesome to be honest.

We then went and sat in another cafe and drank more tea and had more chats and wore our 3D glasses. We are too cool.

Although, I SWEAR all cinema attendant people have a vendetta against me. THREE of them took the piss out of me today!! THREE!!!! Stupid cinema peoples. It was rather funny though...

And now i'm sat at home alone wishing I was out and about and laughing and having fun. But I'm not. I'm sat at home listening to Adam Hood and sighing. Sigh.


Ah well. I'm loved. So what more do I need?


OOH some diet coke would be nice...
and a cuddle
and your blue eyes
and to wake up next to you.

Thanks.. X

love's never easy, and I know i'm hard on you...

They should call me lemon

Because i'm so fucking bitter.

Are your hands too numb to hold me tonight?
Hold my heart in your palm and squeeze it tight,
If you can muster the strength to do anything but swallow
Your liver may be full but tonight your soul is hollow.

It's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life for me.

Don't tell me I don't know, what its like to be alone,


Don't tell me I don't know

Don't tell me I don't know what it's like to be alone.

Everything I want right now is everything I can't have.

It's been a good few days. Lots of things have happened. But a few shining things stand out for me.

1. Chilling all day Monday at John's house with Luke and Abi. Just drinking beer and watching films and eating pizza and laughing. It was so nice to be surrounded by real, genuine, true friends. Abi and John, I love you.

2. Going to Wantage on tuesday and being showed a part of Luke's history and his life, finally seeing the Garden Centre and meeting Ian. Standing there over his grave and seeing all the love and memories and happiness surrounding him gave me a new perspective on life.

Grasp every second
Don't hold grudges
Love fiercely
Love completely
Be truthful
Forgive.

So that's what I plan on doing. I'm going to tell people I love them more. And I'm going to let my deamons go.

And I'm going to forgive, and I'm going to forget.

And I'm going to stop fighting this war.

Because he loves me.





We may be young, but we're not invinsible. So why waste life? After all, you only get one.

i love you

once a whore you're nothing more i'm sorry that'l mever change

Ever feel like a song was written for you?

Misery Business was written for me.

16 just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive...

My bed finally came today. We spent a fucking age putting it together... but it was worth it in the end. And now I'm alone again. And I'm sad. And I'm thoughtful. And that is not a good combination for me. Atleast I have a pad and some pretty good sketching pencils to keep me occupied, oh and alot of music I havn't listened to in a very long time. I kinda miss my old life...


Well...

I kinda miss the old me...

She didn't give a fuck about anything.

and she was loved...

Welcome to my world...

There's more weight on your chest than you like to admit...

It's been an interesting few days to say the least! And I havn't written a long blog for a while so I hope you can keep up with my ramblings:

Lets start with friday,

Friday was the ball, which was both incredible and incredibly sad at the same time. I had an amazing afternoon with my girlies Abi, Emma and Crabs and we got ready together and drank lots of champagne and wine and giggled and I became official hair person and did everyones hair... apart from mine which Abi did, (she did an amazing job). We then proceeded to set off for the ball and when we got there we had some lovely professional photos taken, I really want to see them! I hope they look good.
Then came the dancing, drinking and crying. Was a good night. I got some things off my chest, as did a few other people and I had some nice talks with people including a hilarious one with Nickely... which will remain between me and Nickely!!

Saturday: Ah saturday, I woke up at 12, only to realise I had to catch a bus at half past to meet Francine in town. So I dragged myself out of bed and made my way in. Met Francine after work and went to boots for meal deals. OMG stupid moustache woman broke my advantage card which had like... SO many points on it which I have now lost. Bitch. You work in Boots. BUY SOME HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR YOUR FACE.
Anyway, we then went and sat in Christchurch for a few hours and had a massive chat about pretty much everything college/school related which was awesome. Francine then decided she really wanted a Crepe so we trecked back into town to the little Crepe thingy next to New Look... only to discover... it had disapeared!! So we walked round town in the pissing rain looking for another place that sold them and bumped into Ross and Zoe. I was then spammed by Ross. Again. haha!
We then decided to laow crepes and went to Thorntons in the Westgate which has a cafe in it and had MASSIVE waffles and chocolate sundaes which were awesome. AND THEN we went and sat on the ramp round the back of sainsburies for another few hours and chatted some more. Got home about half six and settled down to watch Robin Hood.and that was my saturday!

Sunday: 5 episodes of Desperate Houswives in bed, then Luke's house fun times, Then The Pub fun times, then more Luke's house fun times.

Monday: Went out trecking around Didcot in the blistering heat to find Luke a new job. We were quitre successful and found a few options. and didn't pay for our printing at the library... REBELS! Then back to Luke's for stirfry and BOLT! possibly the cutest animated dog ever. Then Wimbledon. Then a programme about Gang Rape (yes... odd I know) then Snatch, "bonjour!", then bed.

And here we are. Present day. sat listening to Wicked and my tummy rumbling, so I think it's time to go find something to munch on, but first, here's a few mentions for all the people who've made me feel special over the past few days:

Luke You really are the most amazing person i've ever had the pleasure to know. You've been so brilliant to me and you're the most incredible boyfriend. You make me feel lucky as I can be :)

Abi I love my disney voice so much and I'm so glad you're happy. You're one of my best friends and I love you.

Emma C what can I say? You give the best hugs and I know you're always there for me and always honest and supportive.

Bradderz I know you don't REALLY have crabs :) You make me smile and laugh and i love spending time with you

Zoe 4 words. Martini. Bikini. My nuts.
That is all. :D

Ross You will have another mars bar soon I promise :) but only if you stop spamming me!!

Ruth I'm glad we're good again :)


I think that's everyone? I hope so. <3 to you all.


Hattie out x

half a world away

So it's over.


Bring on the summer.

the more i wait the more i'm going to fall

I can't seem to do anything right at the moment. Without even realising i'm rubbing everyone up the wrong way. I hate it, because i'm not doing it deliberately. I hate being disliked, even if only briefly. For someone with my record low self confidence it's more than I can bare.

So i'm sorry.

You have no idea how sorry.

Don't make me choose between the two

I've been told some really hurtful things recently. And as much as I try to erase them from my mind, they always end up on my wrists. And I hate it. And I thought I'd stopped that forever. But to quote my very like minded and brilliantly talented, funny, beautiful friend

"I've given up giving up"

I hope she knows i'm talking about her.

I love her. I hope some day she won't feel the need to let her frustrations out with a blade. And I hope one day i'll be able to do the same.

I know that nobody's perfect...

What can I say? I've shot my mouth off again
and the words come racing down the barrel of a gun
and it's ink that's leaking from the papercut on my thumb.
But given the choice, i'd say it all again
just to see your faces and looks of distain.
And to get your attention, here's my latest trick:
"You're bitter and twisted and you all make me sick"
So show me both your faces, Janus, I know you've more than one
and i'll aim for them both down the barrel of my gun.
So that when i've finished shooting, and my words like bullets fly
it'll be YOUR blood staining pages, and MY ink's allowed to dry.

How many battles must be won to win a war?
Because i'm fighting for you against too many whores.
How much faster must I run to win this race?
I'm sprinting a marathon just to keep pace.
How fierce must my fire burn to catch light
of the spark in your heart and irrevocably ignite?
What must I do? Who must I be?
It's not enough for me just to be... me

harder, better, faster, stronger

Emma is my lesbian lover.

Don't look back because this road is all you'll ever have.

It's been a long, emotionally draining week for a few reasons.

1. Kiss me Kate. I would just like to say well fucking done second years. At the moment I really can't imagine life without you. You all deserve DDD because you're all amazing. Good luck to where ever you end up and whatever you end up doing.
2. I've been having shit crazy mood swings all this week. Angry/sad/happy/excited/exhausted/rebelious/paranoid/too many other things. And they've made me say and do some things I wouldn't usually say or do. And I just want it to be better now. I want us to be better now. I love you.
3. every girl on the planet will agree with me here. I hate periods.
4. I really did not want to work today. I swear the heat makes everyone go loony. Some of the customers I had today I actually could have punched.

But apart from that, I'm ok!



I know you're not going anywhere. And this summer is going to be amazing. And no matter what anyone says or tries to spread, it's you and me for the long run.

so suck. on. that. bitch.

This could be something

How many battles must be won to win a war?
Because I'm fighting for you against too many whores.
How much faster must I run to win this race?
I'm sprinting a marathon just to keep pace...



This could be something. If I get my head in gear and concentrate. But at the same time, if I get my head in gear, maybe I wont feel like this anymore and I wont need to write it down

The old me's dead and gone.

First of all, even with all the current shit escalating at college, Me, Emma, Alex and Luke had a bloody brilliant time at the polo yesterday. So that just goes to prove, people can sort their problems out.
Secondly, speaking of the current shit escalating at college, on ALL parts, in ALL arguments, I am not getting involved. I have a strict, only disliking people if they hurt me personally policy. And as none of you have hurt me, atleast not for a while, I wont be turning against anyone. Or taking sides. That doesn't mean I will be taken advantage of. And it doesn't mean I don't hate what's going on. Because I do. I think you're all cowards. But you're my friends. So sort it out. Before anyone else gets hurt.

On happier topics, the Polo yesterday was very good, alot better than any of us were expecting I think. concidering the weather conditions, and the fact we all felt very poor! I did come away with a pair of socks and a pair of knickers though... and a very light purse! Basically all Emma, Luke, Alex and I did was get very drunk and sit around not really doing much apart from checking out the bad fake tans and bad fake blondes. It was a good laugh!
Got back to Luke's from the polo at about 10ish and had possibly one of the best hot chocolates ever before snuggling up and going to bed. It was a generally lovely day, shame about the College thing in Abingdon in the morning kind of putting everyone in bad moods. But ah well. It turned out good in the end :)


I don't want any more competition. How many battles must I win before I finally win the war.

Live high, live mighty, live rightously...

what a week it has been so far!

I've not been at college much, but the drama seems to have been concentrated down into a weeks worth of shit in like... 5 hours. I don't like being involved in other peoples shit. Believe it or not I really don't.

Anyhow, I actually stuck around college for ages today, till like 6 o'clock! I actually fancied watching some of the Kiss Me Kate rehearsals, I wanted to keep it a surprise for next week when we see the show... but I just got nosy ha ha! It's looking good. I think they're going to pull it together :)
Plus I really didn't want to be at home. So watching rehearsals was a lot better than sitting at home alone for yet another evening.

I'm really not liking how I'm feeling at the moment. Like there's this giant heavy pressure growing inside me and I just need to explode and let it out, this burning question I need to ask. I need confirmation. I need piece of mind. I need you to make it better.
But I can't. I can't tell you. I just can't.
So I suppose I'm just going to have to try and swallow it and forget.
It's only a matter of time... right?

So fragile we are we just don't show it.

Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I've been working, alot. Well, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, saturday. Apart from that I havnt really been doing much at all. Another reason why I havn't blogged, I havn't had alot to say. One thing I do have to say though... Ross is one good spammer! 141 txt messages and 55 facebook comments in one evening.

What else have I done worth mentioning this week... OH YEAH... NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 AND PIZZA HUT. NOT TO MENTION ONE HELL OF AN AMAZING BARBEQUE ON SATURDAY :)

What can I say, I have an amazing boyfriend who likes to take me out on properly old school dates. It was so awesome I felt like I was 14 again... apart from sipping on beer with my pizza and icecream factory instead of pepsi hahaha :)

I miss him now though :( I have a feeling I'm not going to see him for a few days :(

Anyway, I am off to watch neighbours like a homo.

Loves x

Carpe Diem

Seize the day...

I've decided on my first tattoo. I'm SO excited. Only 9 months to wait...

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same...
And if my mum has noticed it then it must be true.

I'm in love.

Happy.

Baby I can feel your halo you're my saving grace

I didn't want the past 3 days to end.

I'm sure at some point in their lives,
every person on earth has found another who they could quiet happily have as a substitute for oxygen... someone who they would give their hearts to. Someone they live for. Someone who makes them feel like they're the only person who exists in their eyes. And they are the only person who exists in your eyes.

That's how you make me feel.
No company compares to your company.
No opinion matters as much as your opinion.
No other person will ever catch my eye whilst I have you.

And I've never been happier.

So thankyou. For being mine.

bring me your love tonight

Oh.

Love of mine,
Won't you lay by my side,
And rest your weary eyes,
Before we're out of time,
Give me one last kiss,
For soon, such distance,
Will stretch between our lips,
Now the day's losing light.

Oh.

Bring me your love, tonight.
Bring me your love, tonight.

Lost at sea,
My heart beat is growing weak,
Hoping you'd hear my plea,
And come save my life,
As the storm grew fierce,
An angel was certainly near,
I knew there was nothing to fear.

Bring me your love, tonight.
Bring me your love, tonight.
No I am not where I belong,
Bring me your love, tonight.

No I am not where I belong,
So shine a light and guide me home.
No I am not where I belong,
So shine a light, guide me back home.

You can't play on broken strings...

First of all I'd like to apologise for my lack of coherent blogs recently. I've not really been in a sit down and write sort of mood, so here goes!

Where to begin?
How about the weekend?

Well, on saturday I had work, as per usual and spent most of the day not doing much to be honest! I fancied a lazy day so I hid in the back room most of the day to avoid annoying customers...
On sunday I went to see my wonderful Luke :) I was meant to be helping him learn his Kiss Me Kate lines.............. yeah........... cough
What about monday? Well on monday I didn't have college, so basically just mooched around the house and didn't do much.
Tuesday was just general college lolz, I got a D for my presentation so I'm really fucking happy :) For those of you who are currently thinking WTF? a D is terrible... in National Diploma marks go Pass, Merit, Distinction... so a D is actually the best thing there is! After college I stayed with my lovely again and we watched an AMAZING film called Man on Fire with Denzel Washington and Dakota Fanning. It's all about this guy who becomes a body guard to a little girl in Mexico and she gets kidnapped and he goes on a massive revenge kick and kills everyone. I cried... it's that sad :(
College again on wednesday with INFLATABLE FUN DAY!!! basically, they set up a bouncy castle and a bucking bronko that was actually a sheep and an inflatable assault course. It was lots and lots of inflatable fun. Me and Kerri then proceeded to wait around college for 2 hours for Hoodless and Luke and we had lots of good chats and I rather love that girl. I am Kerri's surrogate mother because I give her money and marmite sandwiches :)
Wednesday evening Me, Luke and Daddy Spoon went to the Ladygrove for candymania and quiz fun times. We ate lots of icecream and failed at the quiz and I got a little bit drunk........ cough

And here I am. I got a little bit bored today so I actually put some effort into my costume construction homework and drew pictures and everything! I better get a good mark. If i don't Tony will PAAAAAAAAAY! hahaha

I think i'm going to go punch something because a certain someone is getting on my nerves. Grr.

Love to everyone else though :) xxxxxx

Some how I can't shake the feeling I might make a difference to the human race

... Or just you... either way haha!

I AM SO EXCITED. I love giving. And I love making plans.

I'm going to give you the best birthday EVER... even if it's not for another 3 months...

I've got it all planned out... and you wont have a clue!

forget regret or life is yours to miss

God it's been a while hasn't it? I feel like I should say I've been REALLY busy and that's the reason for my lack of blogs... but that's a lie... I've been in college two days this week.

I went to see the second years mini musical show last night. It was rather buff, I got to see my boy in all his suited up buffness singing with a big fluffy purple puppet. It was AWESOME. I am also now in love with Rent and really want to see it/sing it/be in it/have sex with it... without getting all the AIDS...
Anyway, after the show me and buff stuff went back to his house and watched a programme about a childrens home (sad yet inspirational) and a programme about male beauty (icky and strange) and then went to sleep haha! good times.

then today I got up way too early for a day off and actually went oput in public with wet hair and no makeup! god I sound like such a princess. I'm not... I'm just really not pretty without makeup.

What else did I do today... oh yeah, me and Chris went to town and bought him some super dry shiz and then sat in Preppy Republic and drank hot chocolate and ate mini oreos and talked about his love life and life in general and it was really lovely. It should be strange, me and him talking about our love lifes... concidering not too long ago that would have meant talking about each other. But it was lovely. And it was so nice to catch up. We then went back to his house to play guitar hero... only to find we were locked out.... in the rain... for 45 minutes! but it was worth it because his mum was out buying two new BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have named them Dusty and Hazel. And they better stay like that!! hahaha

I am now sitting here getting bored and waiting for my lovely boyfriend to come online because I miss him :(

also... I LOVE AVENUE Q... AND RENT... AND WEST SIDE STORY........... ok I'm finished now...



five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes...

time square can't shine as bright as you

YAY!



I'm complete again.

Better not waste my time I got better things on my mind

I just had 4 of the best days of my life.

Special mentions:
Rosie - My lovely sister
James - her lovely Mr
Luke - My lovely Mr
Crabs - My pint sized loooooover
Emz - The friend I know will always be there for me
Abz - The friend who will always be there with tissues and tea
John - The grampa
Alex - The constant Joker
BUBBA OWL - he smells, but he's cute
Kerri - What can I say. Mate I love her. ANN SUMMERS FOR LIFE

Ben, Josie and Posie - my cardews bredwins.


I LOVE YOU ALL.

Maybe we'l fly tonight...

It is too early for this.

Some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

I don't know why I wrote this. I suppose sometimes It's hard to uphold a mask of happiness just to uphold someone else's.

I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
It’s not my face staring back at me.
But hers, and yours, and the rest in between
And all the lies that you’ve told
And the things that I’ve seen.
Filling my head, scarring my heart,
All the things I’m trying so hard to discard.

Never being number one,
I’ve now come to expect
But I never thought you’d make me feel
Like another face to reflect
In the mirror stood before me.
With the faces of the used
Ignored, belittled, naked,
Discarded, fucked and bruised.

I know I’ll never be her.
I thought I meant more than the rest
The one’s who meant nothing more
Than heat to warm your bed.
Now tell me, do you see me?
When you stare into the glass?
Another nameless lover.
Another that wont last...

Or do I stand beside you?
And do I hold your hand?
How can I ever tell you?
How can you understand?
How it feels to love somebody
And to have none in return
To know you’re just a number
And that number’s never one.

Apology

Sorry to everyone i've been a right proper twat to today.

Been in a shite mood and taken it out on everyone

So I am truly very sorry and I promise to be in a better mood tomorrow.


Happy birthday Loz x

the footsteps that were next to me have gone their seperate ways

I know I'm being stupid.

But I don't want to share.

And I don't want to be making all the effort.

And I don't want to compramise.

I want you to be the same all the time.

I dont want two different you's

One with me, and one with them.

Is that too much to ask?

Come on and use me

You know how sometimes you just have "one of those days" as your mum/nan always used to call them? Well I had one of those days today.

One of those days where you can't even be bothered to move, eat, even attempt to do anything interesting.

One of those catch 22 days when all you want is some company... yet anyone's presence just drives you nuts?

One of those days where all you want to do is get out of the clausterophobic space that once was your bedroom and escape to the intoxicating sounds and lights of the outside world? ... yet that involves having to make an effort and get changed out of your pyjamas.

I had one of those days today.

I did attempt to get up, move around, read a book. But it didn't work. I got bored of being bored. I took a 20 minute ridiculously hot shower to try and snap myself out of feeling so terrible... but it didn't work. I attempted to go on msn, but no one was about apart from Lozi who ended up snapping at me for no apparent reason. As you can probably guess, I didn't stay online for long.

I then proceeded to turn the radio on and lay in a dozing stupor on my bed, drifting in and out of conciousness whilst half listening to generic friday evening dance music and half my own daydreams.

I was then summoned for dinner which consisted of lamb chops that refused to cook. I am not a fan of rare meat so this experience did not exactly do anything to cheer me up.

And here I am. Sat alone, listening to depressing music and sipping on a luke-warm beer. The first of many I imagine.

I know I'm a hypocrit. Drinking alone.
But just for today, I want to feel like someone I'm not.