Wednesday, 14 October 2009

"All those feelings, those yesterday's feelings

Will all be lost in time, but today I'm wasting away, coz today is on my mind..."

I'm pretty messed up at the moment. In my head. I'm doing my very best to seem casual and normal and calm. But I can't hold it forever. I'm not ok. I'm upset, I'm terrified, I'm tired. I'm stuck in a spiral of negative nostalgia, reliving all the bits of my past I don't want to think about. And it's affecting everything.

It's affecting my confidence at college "Don't sing Hattie, You can't sing so you shouldn't bother trying"

It's affecting my friendships. I'm saying things without realising how stupid i'm being.

It's affecting my relationship. "Are you ok?" "Are you ok?" "Are you ok?" "What?... what are you laughing at?" "What??"

And the big one. "Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry..."

I'm in need of constant re-assurance and it's horrible. I feel like a fake and a failure and an annoyance and I feel weak and stupid and just generally a shit friend, girlfriend, person in general.

I want to feel confident, and safe, and self assured.

I want another mind. Mine's broken.

And no one believes me.

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