Monday 28 September 2009

Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid...

There's a phone on the pillow where your head should be
and baby you know this distance thing is killing me.
I even miss the sound of when you click your aching knees.
All I know is "you and I" is how it's meant to be...

Not Fair.

There are no words to describe how incredibly frustrated I am right now. Seriously.

Everything is annoying me
or upsetting me
or pissing me off
I'm angry
and I want to punch something.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER DAY ON MY OWN.

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Just when I thought everything was ok

I remembered you.


I will not let you ruin any more of my life than you already have.
You don't even know me.

Tuesday 22 September 2009

Wrapped around in useless states of mind...

Come on, take a step towards me
So you can figure me out
I've been hoping and praying for a single way
To show you what I'm all about
And I know, and I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowds
But when this is over and done with and we walk away
There should be no doubts

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now.

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong.

Come on love run with me
Get the hell out of this town
So we can get a better feel for each other
I'll take you, back to, when you
Remembered how you used to
Just live your life a little for me
Take the time to let it go
Step away and watch me grow.


So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try
You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try

To keep you close to me...

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong.




I've done everything within my will power to do what I believe is the right thing to do.

Now come back to me.




Monday 14 September 2009

Don't let the people make you think that just because you're young you're useless...

I suppose I should write a proper blog. It's been a while, and to be honest at the moment I have nothing better to do. Luke's asleep upstairs I think. I suppose I should be up there too but I'm just really not tired. Bless him he's so tired all the time I just want to cheer him up and make him all lively and bouncy and smiley again. But I've not been very good at that at the moment. I just seem to be getting in the way and being annoying and causing conflict. For once I'd just like things to be easy. Hopefully it'll all sort its self out... that's how you know it's worth it right? When you can come out the other side and still feel 100% completely in love.

That's how I feel... 100% jump in front of a gun in love with him.

I've found myself not really talking as much in my blogs as I probably should do. the blog is supposed to be an expression of feelings and emotions and day to day happenings, like a diary, but then you remember that people are reading it... sometimes I find myself holding back. But from now on I promise to actually write proper blogs. If anyone is actually reading them.

Went to college today. Re enrolment day. Spent another £95 on "material fees" PAH. It was nice to see people again though and see the first years and just be back. Made me feel like I have a purpose again. I've been drifting this summer. No direction. No energy to move forward. But from now on I'm going to be doing and trying and succeeding hopefully! I need to get my arse in gear.

After college we went to the pub and it was nice for a while, but as all my days seem to recently it went down hill and I ended up in my stupid bad place again. I just get low for no reason. It's really not right. Got a bit drunk. Middle of the day. I'm cool... :(

It was nice to see people that I'm probably not going to see for a long time like Cundy and Phil. Should be going out on Thursday with them which is hopefully going to be fun :)

I just need a good cry I think. A cry and a hug and some ice cream and a slap in the face and to be told to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time.

I know I make a lot of empty promises. But hopefully this one will be here to stay.

I'm not going to be a door mat anymore. I'm not going to be walked over. And if it's not my fault, I'm NOT taking the blame. I'm going to be strong.

Anyhoo, I should probably go to bed. It's nearly 10 past 10!! Shocker I'm going to bed before midnight. I can imagine Zoe shaking her head in shame at me for being so weak and having more than 4 hours sleep ;)

Night x

Monday 7 September 2009

I was dumb, I was wrong I let you down

But I know how I feel about you now...

I need to sort my life out and stop being such a dick. I really really do.

Friday 4 September 2009

oh shit

off the wagon again...

Let it be...

Just to warn you, you might not understand any of this. As it's pretty personal. I just needed to let it out...



So basically, recently I've had quite alot on my mind, and that kind of all came to a head this evening with me bursting into tears at the dinner table over a coffee grinder. My granny's coffee grinder. It smells like her house.
My Granny is pretty ill. Well, she's not ill. She's just given up on wanting to live. She was the sort of woman who lived every second to the max, never quit, never wasted a second or a penny or a mouthful of food. And I don't think I'm going to be able to cope when she's gone. I've got a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's going to be soon. And I don't know what to do.

I miss her house.
Her grand, old, huge, beautiful house. With the stone floors and the AGA and the clock tower and the fire place and the hand made chess board my dad made when he was in school.
I miss her food, well, I miss being at the age where it's still ok to be picky about food and not want to eat something because it's got beetroot in it. I miss toast at breakfast from bread she made herself.
I miss not being allowed to watch TV at her house. I read so many good books next to her fire.
I miss her.
I want her back. I want her to talk. To listen. To be here for me when I need her.
She barely speaks. She's had a few strokes so we have no idea if she even knows who we are anymore.
She looks so small.
So small.

I want my childhood back. I want to be able to remember and talk about it without my dad crying because his mother is in an old peoples home because she can barely walk, eat, communicate.

I want this pain to go away.

I don't want my last memory of her to be in a box.

I can't deal with death.
I just can't.

Thursday 3 September 2009

What a beautiful mess this is...

You've got the best of both worlds
You're
the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again.
You are
strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And
shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is
quite selective,
though your mind is rather
reckless.
Well I guess it just suggests
that
this is just what happiness is.

Hey, what a
beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses.

Well it
kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives.
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I
like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are...

Although you were
biased I love your advice.
Your comebacks they're
quick
And
probably have to do with your insecurities...
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this
relationship we're staging

And what a
beautiful
mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it
kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades.
And the
kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But
it's nice to say that we played in the dirt.
Cause here, here we are...

We're still here.
What a
beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when
the only answer is "Yes"

Through,
timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and
hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together.

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.












Jason Mraz writes what's in my heart.

Wednesday 2 September 2009

Sending to outer space to find another race

In the next couple of days I will write a big blog telling you aaaaaaaaaall about my week
but for now I am too tired and have only one thing to say.

On saturday the 29th of August 2009

I saw Dave Grohl in the flesh. ACTUAL Dave Grohl from ACTUAL Foo Fighters. In ACTUAL real life.

My life is complete.