Friday, 26 February 2010

Artistic Temperament

I feel like I'm living in a perspex box.

I can see what's going on around me... but I have absolutely no control over anything that's going on. It's like.. I'm speaking. But no one is listening. I have no control over my destiny. At the moment, I feel like I don't even have a destiny, apart from to fail and end up a no body. I want to be a somebody. Anybody.

I feel like my mind's a kaleidoscope.

Lots of pretty colours... not alot of sense. One minute I'm living in a world where i'm pink with love and red with happiness and gold with success, then it's green with envy and blue with sadness and grey with apathy and just... black. All mixed together and forever changing with the tiniest jolt or change or even breath.

I feel like I don't know how to be.

I don't know who i am. I don't know how to be the person i'm meant to be. I don't know what I am.

I want to do things that i've never wanted to do in my life. I want to be bad and intoxicated and bold and carfree with bleeding nostrils and not a care in the world.

I want to see what I'm missing out on. I want to know if I am missing out.

I want my art back. I want my words. I want my music. I want to escape from my head.

I want a REASON to feel like this. To feel SO lost. SO alone. The world is buzzing along without me. I'm stuck in a rut, in a hole, in a loop, in a spiral.

I'm suffocating. And I'm scared to throw back the covers because I'm so paralysingly petrified of who I might actually be and who I might become.

But most of all. I want to stop being such a fucking cliché

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