New Years Eve

I simply don't get it.

It has become the epitome of everything I hate in our society.

I completely understand the pure form of new years, i.e. celebrating the coming New Year and new dawn and new start and all that business, and I understand wanting to welcome that with copious ammounts of alcohol if you so choose.

what I do NOT understand, is how it has become so completely commercialised that you cannot even go to your local pub without having to pay the price of up to £12 just to go through the door, therefore giving you less money to spend at the bar, and completely limiting your options on perhaps frequenting more than one establishment during the festivities. I mean, who's going to pay £12 to get in somewhere... then leave and pay £12 to get in somewhere else? It's madness.


Therefore this year I am 98% certain I shall be staying in and watching Jools Holland.

(the 2% is incase someone can sweet talk me into going out. It's not likely)

See you in 2011.
Or Saturday as I shall be calling it.

God bless us one and all

MoonPig does a christmas card with Levi Roots on it telling you to spice up your christmas. How brilliant is that haha!

The Snow

The snow is quite the double edged sword...

Yes, it is very pretty, and it means that i probably dont have work tomorrow, but on the other hand, all the busses are suspended, so I can't see Luke, or anyone else for that matter, until the roads clear up which SUCKS.

at least I have crunchie nut cornflakes.

The new City and Colour songs are amazing.

Worries...

How am I supposed to look after my friends when I am barely coping on my own right now?

It's like i'm just shutting down from the inside out.

But I want to help.

Help.

A gift to you.

I'm a sort of human bean who goes through stages of musical appreciation. My current love is what I like to call "pretty music" Stuff that makes you smile and feel nice in your tummy.

Here, have some pretty music:

* * *



* * *



* * *

You are welcome...

It's MCR I know,

but it makes sense to me.

"Is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A love that's so demanding, I get weak..."

I really do believe i am in need of therapy.

I know hate is a strong word.
It's a strong emotion.
It's one I've been dealing with for the past few months. I know pretty much all of my close friends who know what I'm on about are getting the end of their tethers on the subject. to be honest, I don't blame them. It must be pretty tedious. Thinking oh, I'm seeing Hattie today, I hope she doesn't moan on and on about her problem. A problem she should be over by now.

Well. I'm not over it. Sorry. I do try. Believe me I try.

But i am completely, 100%, categorically NOT over it. I know my blogging on this subject has become increasingly vague, but I try not to be purposefully vindictive in my blogs. I don't name names, or obvious subject matter. Not that you deserve anonymity. Not that you deserve anything from me. You've pretty much ruined any self worth/confidence I've gained in the past few years. And as for trust? That's out the window.

You have no idea how much I just want to spew out the whole sorry mess on to this blog, names, the full story. It's infuriating.

Oh. and I hate orange. It's a stupid colour.

Done.

saweeeeet

Getting new ink soon :D

You know what

You know what really annoys me about Magnum adverts? I don't know ANYONE who takes a magnum and just chams down on a huge bit out of the top. Maybe it's just me and my sensetive teeth, but I would never do that! Everyone I know picks all the outside chocolate off and then eats the icecream. Now THAT is how to eat a magnum.


Mmm... magnums...


Sorry for another mini rant, I will write something interesting soon I promise x

Thank god

Thank God Belle Amie got booted off of X Factor. The red head one REALLY pissed me off...

OH PLEASE

JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Hattie Jay Partington

cannot stand racists.

I can't get no sleep...

This popped in to my head the other night when I was lying in the dark un able to drift off. It's only short and rough, but maybe someone will like it...

"As I lay down my weary head
An gaze at the space beside me,
my phone laid on the pillow
where your head should be.
I sigh and roll over
imagining your heat
and echoes of your whispers
of "I Love You" and "Sweet Dreams..."

long weekend

And not the good kind.

Worked all weekend. 10 hours yesterday, 6 hours today. I am cream crackered.
This wont be a long blog, as i really can't be bothered.

Just felt like expressing my love for Merlin.

I LOVE MERLIN. that is all

Another trip to Nostalgia town

First person under J on your mobile phone?
James

Do you hate that person?
Hate is a strong word. He's a pretty massive douche.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Umm... Luke i think

When did your last hug take place?
about quarter to 5 today

Ever been in love?
Yes.

When was the last time you smiled?
All of today.

Does anyone like you as more than a friend?
Yarp :D

What is something you really want right now?
my darn marshmallows!

How many true friends do you have?
They know who they are

What is the last thing you put in your mouth?
tea

Do you prefer to call or text?
Depends

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
Umm... Martha, Francine, Jamie, Montanna, Lauren, Cathy + half of Thirst

Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?
Yes

Have you ever told anyone you were OK when you really weren’t?
All the time.

Does the number 17 have any significance to you?
It used to

Be honest, do you like people in general?
It depends. I'm more cautious than i used to be

Do you like anyone?
I do indeed

Do you like your first name?
I do

Would you ever forgive someone if they cheated on you?
No

Do you regret doing something today?
Nope

Do you talk a lot?
I waffle

Do you miss anyone?
Yes.

When was the last time you cried?
A while a go.

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
I get good afternoons, I'm not normally up in the mornings!

Where is your phone?
next to me

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
i always embarrass myself

Will you be up before 7am?
Tomorrow i will

What is something you disliked about your day?
the fact it had to end

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
umm... no :)

Do you hate being alone?
Sometimes I like being alone. But I do like company

Whens your birthday?
6th Feb.

Ever been told "it’s not you, it's me"?
Haha yes.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
Yes

Do you have any saved texts?
Yes.

What's irritating you right now?
two people.

Have you ever told someone to their face they were ugly?
Yep

Whats on your bed right now?
Random crap

What's your favourite word or phrase?
"Fuck You" "Glen Times" "ShamWow and SlapChop FTW" "Zoe... You know what today is... today is Wednesday..." "Cool Beans"

Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Luke, Zoe...

What were you doing at 8am this morning?
Sleeping.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
drinking tea

What is your favourite holiday?
Christmas

Have you ever been to another country?
Yes.

What is the last thing you said aloud?
i don't remember.

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Mint Choc Chip

What was the last thing you had to drink?
tea

What are you wearing right now?
trackies, t shirt

What was the last thing you ate?
milky way

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
um... cardigan :)

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Commonwealth Games

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Canada.

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook?
Urm... Luke?

Ever go camping?
Yup

Do you have a tan?
No. never

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
phone, money, jewelry, I'm very clumsy

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
too much :)

What did your last text message say?
none of your business

Are you someone's best friend?
I think so

What are you doing tomorrow?
Work

Where is your mum right now?
At work

Look to your left, what do you see?
Window

What color is your watch?
i don't have one

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
NEIGHBOURS

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Indeed I have

What is your birthstone?
Amethyst

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Depends

Do you have any friends on Facebook that you actually hate?
Yes.

Do you have a dog?
No :(

Any plans today?
Nope

Are you happy?
Pretty much

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Someone in particular.

Last song listened to?
Nothing

Last movie you saw?
300

Are you allergic to anything?
I don't think so...

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
black patent pumps

Are you jealous of anyone?
No.

Is anyone jealous of you?
I think so. Well, not me, just my position.

Do any of your friends have children?
Not yet

Do you eat healthy?
Ish.

What do you usually do during the day?
Not a lot

Do you hate anyone right now?
Well I don't use the word hate.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yes.

How many kids do you want when you're older?
Like...two or three?

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
19

How did you get one of your scars?
trampoline

Remember when we all used to do these things?

I found this on my facebook so i thought i'd fill it in. Lets kick it old school for an hour or so...

TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
1. I Love You
2. I honestly hate you.
3. I want you to stop hurting yourself. You're naive to think you dont have a problem.
4. He is SO wrong for you. You need to be strong and do things for YOU.
5. You're my best friend. I don't know what i'd do without you.
6. I hope we get to see each other more.
7. I'm glad you've gone to uni and you're not causing me drama anymore.
8. I miss you.
9. I hope you don't fancy me, because i think you're brill. As a friend.
10. I still think about you.

NINE things about yourself.
1. I'm quick to give other people my money.
2. I try to be funny. Sometimes i succeed.
3. I'm easily amused.
4. I honestly at this point, have no idea what i want with my life.
5. I get angry over stupid things.
6. I'm very passionate
7. Nothing makes me happier than music with good lyrics
8. I could quite happily survive off roast dinners, chinese and banoffee pie for the rest of my life
9. I'm paranoid.

EIGHT ways to win your heart.
1. Be spontanious
2. Be original
3. Occasionally, let your walls down and tell me exactly what you think of me.
4. Make me smile
5. Make me laugh
6. Be there when I cry
7. Smell good
8. Occsasionally pay for my bus fair :)

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot.
1. Music
2. Love
3. Sex
4. Friends
5. CSI
6. Luke
7. Food

SIX things you do before you fall asleep.
1. Put on my jammies
2. Make sure my tv is turned off
3. Check facebook
4. Clean my teeth
5. Txt Luke goodnight
6. Take off my makeup

FIVE people who mean a lot to you at the moment.
1. Luke
2. Zoe
3. Abi
4. Rosie
5. Francine

FOUR things you see right now.
1. Laptop.
2. Diet coke
3. Flowers
4. Blackberry

THREE songs that you listen to often.
1. Thin Lizzy - Dancing in the Moonlight
2. Gavin DeGraw - Chariot
3. Alexisonfire - Young Cardinals

TWO things you want to do before you die.
1. Have a baby
2. Perform on a west end stage

ONE confession.
1. I'm a bitch.

Selfish me.

I realised today just how much anger and sadness I have inside me.

It came to me in a dream.

I have been having a lot of similar dreams lately. They always contain the same two people. And in every manifestation of the dream I am the one who comes out at the end with nothing.

How can this be so? What is it in my subconscious that leads me to this conclusion in every one of these dreams?

It is not so in reality... or is it? I suppose on the surface you would say, Hattie, you have what you wanted. How can you question it?

But I am not the same person I was before. I am not going to sit back and not question the things I know in my heart arn't right.

And surely, these dreams indicate something is not right?

I have been lied to. I have been treated as a lesser person by those who have wronged me.

I am no longer a doormat.

And these dreams need to stop. One way or the other.

Anyone who says that life is not a competition is either very naive, or very stupid.

I am not that person.

In other news

Candy Floss baffles me. It is like eating flavoured wall insulation.

Speaking of candy floss. I went to the fair last night. It was fun. Like old times :)

I miss college already :'(

Strange things

Spotify shuffle just played The View From The Afternoon and then A Certain Romance...


To most people, they would probably think... hmm.. why on earth is it significant that Hattie's spotify played 2 Arctic Monkeys songs back to back?

The answer my friends is rock Show 2008. Those two songs, sung by two of my favourite boys Mr Luke Talboys and Mr Rory Campbell.

It just made me smile is all...

Sorry for wasting precious seconds of your life reading this pointless blog. I just like it when things like that happen...

Just coz

I'm kinda proud of this :)

Oh dear.

I AM in a pickle.

AND THEN

I'M GUNNA SMOOSH IT ALL OVER AGAIN

ARGH

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU






I WANT TO SMOOSH YOU FACE.

SMOOSH IT SMOOSH IT SMOOSH IT SMOOSH IT SMOOSH IT.

Curiosity killed the Hat.

I think I definately bit off more than I could chew. I told myself I needed the truth.

The truth was too much for me.

I feel... I don't know how I feel.

I'm currently using all my will and strength not to turn into a spiteful cruel little girl. Or to march over and give them the smack they deserve.

I need to be stronger. I need to take the high road.

It's not a competition right?

But if it was... I won.

Life lessons

I learnt a valuable lesson today.

Everyone has at least 2 sides. And it is so easy to slip into the same old act, the same old defense, the same old lines.

We claim we can change. But there is no quick solution. An apology is not a magic spell. You say sorry and everything is better. It's going to take time and work and communication.

and for god sake stop snapping at me.

and maybe i'll learn to stop saying sorry.

But there are always two sides to every story. And if I'm working so can you. It takes two to compramise.

And don't you dare lie to me.

...

Maybe? :)

Miserable at best...

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know she's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, she stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance, and he'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know she's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, she stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance, and he'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best


And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of her lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know she's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, she stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance, and he'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best.

So.

I guess that is that.

What have I become?

What have I become? I was so excited for "the rest of my life" but what is it? a con. I've no job, no money, nothing to work towards. I'm currently tempted to give up and spend the rest of my life living in my room eating pizza and slowly becoming the size of my bed.

New.

It's easy to run, when you're running from your fears

And hide and seek is better, when you're hiding from my tears.

And excuses count for nothing, when it's you that needs convincing

your ego may be floating but your argument is sinking.

You claim that you've been burned, but your words char me like matches,

You claim you've been controlled, but you bind me with your actions.

when are you going to shut up and listen?

Open your eyes and admit you need forgiving?

And by refusing to swallow your pride,

and refusing ever to compromise,

you're becoming the person you claim to despise...

Mardy Bum...

I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate

That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

Mardy bum is the story of my life. I can't seem to go a week without messing up some important part of my life. I think I should have my mouth stitched up so I can stop chatting so much bollocks and stop messing up everything important to me.

Anyway, you don't need to know about it and I want a cup of tea.

that was a lame blog.

Just thought i'd share with you

A song which I think is bloody fantastic.

It's a good one for when you're having a sad day.

View From The Afternoon...

And she won't be surprised, no she won't be shocked

When she's pressed the star after she's pressed unlock

And there's verse and chapter sat in her inbox

And all that it says is that you've drank a lot...

Tonight's gunna be a good night

I have decided that I watch far too much CSI NY on tvshack.net and don't listen to enough music. So this blog shall include what I'm listening to as I write... cue Spotify shuffle... let us begin.

Kanye West - Touch the Sky

so I've decided that for once I'm going to write a blog that's not depressing or 5 words long... so here goes. What have I done recently?? Hmm..

Well I went to see The Lion King in the West End on Wednesday. It was fabulous. Not the best show I've ever seen, but it's The Lion King... so I wont hold that against it. The puppetry and set were amazing. The singing was fantastic. The costumes were colourful. Mufasa died. I cried. All in all a good show! (heehee I just did spell check for this blog and aparently Mufasa is an error and it suggests I change it to Muffs!)

What else have I done this week? Urm... Well I've watched an unhealthy amount of CSI NY. I'm honestly obsessed with it and not afraid to admit it!! I've decided to watch it from the beginning of season one, as I only really got into it mid season five and I want to know what happened from the beginning

Jason Mraz - Sunshine Song (Live On Earth Version)

I love this song. It makes me happy. Even though it's grey outside! I'm trying to be more positive.
I've had a pretty good Easter weekend. Good Friday I went over to Nikki's with Little Rosie (two girls I work with) for beer and dancing around Nikki's room and eating copious amount's of Chinese food. It was really fun. Then Saturday I was at work all day as per usual, with Luke coming to stay at mine after work. Then Easter Sunday we had a nice chilled out day and made chocolate cornflake mini egg nests which are FANTASTIC. The secret ingredient is using crunchy nut cornflakes instead of regular!!

John Tartaglia and Rick Lyon - If You Were Gay (Avenue Q soundtrack)

Ooh this leads me on to an interesting point. Some time at the end of June I'm going on a college trip to London to take part in an Avenue Q puppet workshop with actual Avenue Q puppets, then we get to watch the show!! I've seen it twice already... but still. It's fantastic! It's like Sesame Street adult version!! Oh this is a short song hang on one second...

Eminem - Lose Yourself

I have very eclectic music taste... I feel like I'm forgetting something... OH YEAH, it's mine and Luke's one year anniversary today! He has to work but we're going out tonight and he's taking me somewhere next week and I don't know where it is!! I'm excited! OK... I wont go on about it I know it's annoying when people ramble about their relationships. Just wanted to say, I Love Him :D

I have run out of things to blog about for today I think...
Blog soon!

X

Details In The Fabric...

It's not that I don't like you.

I just don't trust you. There's history there and it's a history I can't just ignore and move on from. It's hard for me to accept you without knowing you. The only version of you I know is the one who wants what I have. What you can't have. Therefore it's a little difficult for me to accept those feelings have vanished.

I'm never going to be as strong, interesting or exotic as you. But I shouldn't feel like I have to fight for something i've already got. I had to fight enough to get it in the first place. I'm sick of feeling unstable and paranoid and jealous.

Stop giving me reason to feel this way.

Look what Hattie did!

I LOVE IT. Hattie = one happy tattooed lady!

Lady Liberty...

I have a mundane existance. Hense why I felt little or no need to blog about it over the past couple of weeks.

I get up, usually late. I either go to college or stay at home. I work one day a week. I see Luke, I eat and I sleep. Oh, and I drink.

My mood swings are currently at one of their all time highs. Anyone who's known me for a considerable ammount of time or ever known me well will know that as a person, I am both predictable and unpredictable at the same time. You know my personality will change from day to day, just not know which side you'll encounter. I'm a typical angsty young person. I'm annoying. I'm boring. I'm rude. I'm lazy.

I'm currently wondering what's the point?

Smile, though your heart is breaking...

I actually think, despite everything that's going on at the moment... I'm happy.




Yep. Me! Hattie Jay Bitch and Moan and Complain and Cry Partington is happy.




Catch it whilst you can... I doubt it will last.

Artistic Temperament

I feel like I'm living in a perspex box.

I can see what's going on around me... but I have absolutely no control over anything that's going on. It's like.. I'm speaking. But no one is listening. I have no control over my destiny. At the moment, I feel like I don't even have a destiny, apart from to fail and end up a no body. I want to be a somebody. Anybody.

I feel like my mind's a kaleidoscope.

Lots of pretty colours... not alot of sense. One minute I'm living in a world where i'm pink with love and red with happiness and gold with success, then it's green with envy and blue with sadness and grey with apathy and just... black. All mixed together and forever changing with the tiniest jolt or change or even breath.

I feel like I don't know how to be.

I don't know who i am. I don't know how to be the person i'm meant to be. I don't know what I am.

I want to do things that i've never wanted to do in my life. I want to be bad and intoxicated and bold and carfree with bleeding nostrils and not a care in the world.

I want to see what I'm missing out on. I want to know if I am missing out.

I want my art back. I want my words. I want my music. I want to escape from my head.

I want a REASON to feel like this. To feel SO lost. SO alone. The world is buzzing along without me. I'm stuck in a rut, in a hole, in a loop, in a spiral.

I'm suffocating. And I'm scared to throw back the covers because I'm so paralysingly petrified of who I might actually be and who I might become.

But most of all. I want to stop being such a fucking cliché

DO IT. I command you.

I had a good birthday... :D





http://www.formspring.me/LittleHatSpoon



DO IIIIIIIT.

Here it is

I apologise for lack of blogs, i've been pretty darn busy, and ill.

So my first auditions are tomorrow, must admit i'm pretty nervous.

I suppose it doesn't really matter how much i prepare, no one knows what will happen till the day. I just hope i'm prepared enough. I know my monologues, i know my songs, i know who they're by, I know the story, I hope thats enough...

I really need to go to bed. Night all

LOVES

3, 2, 1... PANIC

I'm gunna blog later, I promise.

I wanna be forever young

I'm going insane. I'm a coiled spring tightening and tightening. Only one release... I shouldn't. But I want to.


I shouldn't.

But I want to.

Just wanted to put it out there

Chris Benton's blogs do make me chuckle. :)

Shortie's like a melody in my head

Nothing can ruin this day. I'm actually in a good mood.

Auditions:

5th Feb - Academy of Live and Recorded Arts

5th Feb - Guilford School of Acting

21st Feb - Liverpool Institute of Performing Arts

23rd Feb - Rose Bruford

bring it on.

Facebook ruins lives

That is all.

Why does it feel like a friday?

It's snowing again? What's up with that. This is England. We have like... a days worth of snow a year.

On the upside I am currently listening to songs from Glee on Spotify and LOVING IT. Oh and Jason Mraz. also loving it. Ha ha!

I'm in a weird mood. I'm kind of sad but I don't know why, I'm kind of annoyed and I don't know why and I'm kind of contemplative and I don't know why.

The snow is doing weird things to me. I can't sleep, I'm moody, I cried yesterday for absolutely NO reason and I'm feeling boxed in. I'm in a creative rut and I want to write something good. I want to sing and have an audience, I want to do something and get somewhere and succeed and not be stuck in this house looking out at the endless white for another week. I want support. I want love. I want security.

I want to stop being such a basket case. Because most of the problems I have I bring on myself.

I want to stop doubting myself and doubting those around me. I want to be strong enough to trust someone. I want the voice in my head to fuck off for once and not make me always assume the worst.

But then again, "I want" doesn't get.

I want you to txt me back so I can stop worrying you're angry at me.

It's been a while...

I apologise for lack of postage. Been a busy bee!!

Well... not really but yeah...

Had a nice weekend, well. I say nice... I went to my Granny's memorial service on saturday, which was basically the funeral without the body. It was really lovely and loads of people showed up. It was absolutely fucking freezing because the church had no heating, but it really was nice to hear stories about her life, I even spoke myself!

Sunday was also lovely, Luke came over and we watched Merry Madagascar which was AMAZING and Marley and Me... I cried... but i think considering the emotionalness of saturday i'm allowed!

Then monday we slobbed about and watched Doctor Who because Luke hadn't seen it yet.

Tuesday we went to Oxford to attempt to spend vouchers and to exchange my jacket for one which wasn't BROKEN... just as we left Oxford and got on the train... it began to snow... I'm sure you know the rest! It was a pretty epic drive back to my house from Didcot in the blizzard in the dark after a pub meal with Luke's dad It took us nearly an hour to get to Abingdon from Didcot!

Wednesday and thursday consisted of doing college work, what with being stranded in the snow! Me and Chris went sledging on wednesday... it was epic... We also had a pretty amazing snow ball fight with bin lids for sheilds. I won. He face planted in my garden!

Anyhoo, another day off tomorrow so i'm going to go make hot chocolate and do some monologue searching!

toodle pip x